i have this visionboard that has lived with me for years. in and out of storage containers, on walls, in offices, in bedrooms, behind and on top of mirrors.

she is nomadic.

a gypsie.

at the center, 3 words stand out amongst the tapestry of desired dreams.

“into”

“FEARLESS”

“Trust.”

yet, this particular board has journeyed with me so long because i’ve felt afraid of her becoming true.

at face value i say that i am afraid of the success of it all.

when i ask deeper though… it sounds like,

i’m scared to become that person… that woman who holds everything in those pictures.

i’m scared of the waves of grief that would come. the weight of existing so long as someone who didn’t believe she deserved them.

we still don’t talk a lot about how heavy the grief is when we become better. there’s a sadness that from “leaving behind” versions of ourselves that we are ready to evolve and expand beyond.

looking at the board now, there are things symbolized that are beginning in my life. even if i’m scared, i will coach myself to breathe into the fear; alchemizing it into excitement. like anticipating the arrival of a loved one i’ve been waiting to see.